The desire for marriage, more than anything, is an expression of hope. Hope that nurtures the possibility of finding that one special person with whom we all want to believe we can share the ups and downs of our lives. And a wedding is perhaps a bridge to that hope, more like a social bridge, where we can get a communal confirmation of our faith in the future and celebrate the possibilities of the prospective perspectives. 

For Iranians marriage is a huge event, a concrete milestone in life and must be celebrated with a lot of glamor and distinction. Like many customs and traditions in Iran, the features of Persian marriage ceremony could be traced back to Zoroastrianism. The Islamic laws and traditions have also influenced the rituals but the core of customs remains almost the same.  There are two stages in the Iranian marriage today. One is the aghd (the legal and official registration ceremony) and the other is jashn-e-aroosi (The wedding ceremony). From the moment the bride says YES to the groom’s proposal until they are settled in their new home; there are rituals and showering of gifts by both parties. For example, a few days before the aghd, men from the groom’s family take additional presents to the bride’s house. The gifts are elaborately decorated and carried on large trays over their heads. The container for the gifts is called tabagh and the entire gift wrap is called khoncheh. This ceremony is called tabagh baran (taking the tabagh of gifts to the bride’s house).

On the day of the Aghd, which is the actual ceremony, a sofreh (a large table cloth with elaborate designs) is spread on the floor in the room where the marriage is to be officiated. The spread faces the east so that when the couple sits next to each other, they would be facing the light. The material of sofreh is a matter of taste as they are made of white fabric and come in silk or satin and is often decorated with lace. Various items are lavishly placed on the sofreh, many of which have a symbolic value. Most important are the Mirror of Fate (a large mirror) and two candelabras which symbolize light and fire. When the bride and the bridegroom are seated, the bride takes off her veil and the first thing that the bridegroom sees in the mirror should be the reflection of his wife-to-be. Symbols of fertility such as eggs and walnuts and the Seven Herbs of poppy seeds, rice, angelica, salt, nigella seeds, black tea leaves and frankincense are also placed on the spread. Svanta and frankincense are sprinkled on a brazier holding hot coals producing a smoke to ward off evil eyes and purification. There are also a various sweets, noghl, baklava, toot (Persian marzipan), naan-e bereneji (rice cookies), naan-e badami (almond cookies) and naan-nokhodchi (chickpea cookie) that are served to the guests after the ceremony. Bread, feta cheese, and greens are also placed on the spread to symbolize the basic food that is needed to sustain life. There is also a cup of honey and a bowl made out of crystal sugar or rock candy. Immediately after the couple is married the bride and the groom dip a finger into the cup and feed each other. There is also a bowl of gold or silver coins symbolizing wealth and prosperity. A prayer rug and the Holy Quran signifying the importance of remembering God are also present. Some families also keep aside a book of Persian poetry by Hafez or Rumi.

 

Once the guests who are actually witnesses to the marriage arrive, the ceremony is initiated. After that, the groom first takes seats at the head of the spread and is then followed by the bride. The bridegroom always sits on the right hand side of the bride. Then a large piece of cloth made of fine fabric is held over the couple’s head by a few unmarried relatives. A happily married woman softly grounds together two sugar cones made out of hardened sugar above the bride and bridegroom's head during ceremony to shower them in sweetness. 

The marriage administer begins the ceremony by reciting verses of the Quran and quoting the Prophet Muhammad about the importance of marriage. He then asks the mutual consent of the bride and the groom. First, the groom is asked and then the bride. The bride, however, traditionally makes the groom wait for her consent. She does not answer the question of “Do you take this man as your husband” right away. Instead, she creates some sense of suspension and excitement by making him wait. It is also a sign of her coyness and raises her worth in the eyes of the man’s family. The question is usually asked three times and the bride gives her consent after that. In order to entice the bride to say YES, the groom’s family give her Zir Lafzi (literally, under-the-tongue gifts) which may be some jewelry or cash.  The bride gives her consent with a statement such as this “With the permission of my parents and elders, Yes!” The couple is then pronounced husband and wife and then celebrations and merriments follow. 

 

Traditionally, when it is time for a man to marry, his family will start looking for potential matches on his behalf. He may also inform his parents and suggest who he would like to marry. Whether done under the eyes of tradition or that of modernity, it is expected that the man’s family step forward and ask for the hand of the girl in marriage. This process is referred to as khastegari (Demanding the bride). Usually, the man’s family members and a few elders visit the girl’s family with a bouquet and a box of sweets. The girl then brings in the traditional tea tray from the kitchen after hearing her father or mother say “Let tea be served”.  Traditionally, the first time the man’s family see the bride must be when she serves tea. In most modern families, however, the man and the woman already know each other. The first visit is for the sole purpose of introduction and investigation (tahghigh). If things go well and the girl and boy consent, there are follow up visits. Both parties have the right to investigate (tahghigh) about each other’s family background and circumstances. In the traditional procedure of tahghigh, an elder from either family goes to the neighborhood and asks relevant questions about the boy or the girl from their acquaintances. The follow up visits mean a formal proposal. The girl’s family needs to ensure that the man has a suitable income and is able to provide a future for their daughter. The man and woman are then permitted to talk in private about their ideas, ideals and interests regarding a future life together. The khastegari process could take a while. When both families are happy with the results of the talk and tahghigh, and the primary conditions set by either party during the proposal are accepted, there is a bale borun (taking the YES) ceremony. During baleh borun, a Mehrieh (sum of money, real state or property) is appointed and agreed upon. According to the Islamic Law, Mehriyeh is End-al-Motalebeh (paid upon demand). A woman can demand the sum anytime during her marriage or after divorce.  Mehrieh has in a way given women a sense of financial security. The details of Mehrieh are restated during the aghd, the legal ceremony. In bale borun, the groom’s family entices the woman to say “Yes” by giving her gifts such as cloth and jewelry. After this, comes the nNamzadi (engagement) ceremony during which the man and the woman exchange rings. The date and details of the wedding are also set by then and invitation cards are sent out. The namzadi ceremony is also traditionally referred to as shirini khoran (literally, eating sweets) as both parties celebrate the union-to- be with sweets and refreshments as a symbolism of the sweetness of their future conjugal life.

A day after the wedding, there is a ceremony referred to as patakhti (literally meaning, bedside table where flowers are placed). On this day, women of both families and close female friends visit the bride and shower her with gifts. Patakhti is mainly a women-centered event, usually held in the afternoon and towards the evening. Sweets, refreshments and light food rather than dinner are served. After this, two women, each representing the bride and the groom’s family open the gifts. They usually sing songs competitively about the quality and specific features of the gifts received from the bride or groom’s family, stating the name of person who has given the gift and thanking them on behalf of the bride and groom. This is usually done in good humor.  

In some cities, there is also the custom of madar zan Salam (greeting the mother-in-law) a day after the wedding. The groom goes to meet the mother of the bride at her house and offers his gratitude for the education and upbringing of the daughter. The mother of the bride then gives an expensive gift to the groom. 

After this comes the custom of Paa Gosha (literally, opening the feet or the ritual of welcome). This happens when the bride and the groom visit their parents’ house for the first time after their wedding and after they have started living together. The couple is welcomed ceremoniously and a feast is held in their honor.

 

It is needless to say that sometimes some of these customs and rituals are skipped for reasons such as financial limitations, difference in beliefs and others.  Many of these customs, however, are still alive in smaller cities. 

In Iran, a woman’s maiden name does not change after marriage. She may be referred to, however, with the surname of her husband in public and in the community but her name formally remains the same. She also retains the right to her property. Married women however, do require their husband’s permission for obtaining a passport. It is also expected that they have the implied consent of their spouse to continue their education or go to work. These issues are mostly terms of an unspoken agreement in many families and in today’s Iran, both husband and wife work to contribute to their financial and social status but should the question arise, there are terms of ensuring one’s possible rights. A Muslim marriage is a contractual relationship. Therefore, a woman has the chance to state and negotiate her customized rights before the official Aghd. Issues like the right to further education, work, the right to choose the living place (city or area), the right to divorce, division of assets and others could be included in the Aghdnameh (marriage certificate) on the wedding day itself. Although most men refrain from signing a contract with too many conditions and these issues have to be mutually discussed by both parties before marriage, once agreed upon, violation of any of those terms may lead to annulment of the marriage. 

According to the Islamic law a man may have four legal wives and a few temporary ones. Although the hand of the law permits polygamy, the eyes of the public and culture mostly frown upon it and therefore it is not widely practiced. At present, a man can marry a second wife only if he has the permission of his first wife. 

Facts:

1- Although it is ideal to hold both aghd (legal registration of marriage) and the wedding ceremony in one day, most couples today prefer to first have an official registration of their marriage and throw a wedding party later when they have a more appropriate financial or social condition. This period of waiting can vary from a couple of months to a few years, but in most cases the aghd is soon followed by a wedding ceremony after which the bride and the groom start living together. 

2- In order to facilitate the burden of wedding expenses, the Iranian government helps students by giving loans and hosting communal wedding parties for them. Student Weddings have been held for quite a few years in Iran. The students, however, need to first officially register as man and wife before the scheduled wedding date. 

3- Normally, the groom’s family is responsible for the expenses of the wedding ceremony. The bride’s family on the other hand, is expected to send off their daughter with jahaaz (furniture, carpets and all associated appliances for the couple’s new home). Most families today, however, share the responsibilities and costs. 

4- After the consent of bride’s family for marriage, the groom is expected to offer shir baha (literally, the worth of milk’s money) to the mother of the bride. This in a way is symbolic of expressing his gratitude for the nursing and upbringing of his bride-to-be. 

5- A few decades ago and mainly in traditional families it was normal for a wife to live with her in-laws or to at least settle down with them for some time until they could afford a house of their own. Today, however, almost every couple demands to live independent from their in-laws.

6- A man is looked down upon if he is not capable of providing a house for his wife. If financial circumstances compel him to live with the bride’s family, he is comically referred to as damad sarkhooneh (on-the-house-groom) in the community.

7- In Iranian culture, the seventh day of milestone events like birth, wedding and death is marked as significant.  Therefore, a marriage is usually celebrated in 3-7 days. 

Breaking the navel cord, bonding the chains of love 

The youth in Giyan village, Hamadan province, do not stay bachelors beyond the age of twenty. One of the ways of ensuring a future bride is the nafeh boru (navel cord cutting) custom. When a girl is born, one of the village women who has a boy of 5-7 years old and has good relations with the family claims the new born as her future daughter-in-law by saying “This girl is for my boy (name)” and if the parents give their consent, the midwife cuts the navel cord with this intention in her mind and utters a few words in whispers : In the name of the Lord and all holy men of God, I cut the umbilical cord of this girl with the intention of a wife for that boy (name)”. The ritual is then followed by cheers and merriment of those present. The next day, the mother of the future groom ties a red kerchief around the baby girl’s head as a sign. Both families honor their word through the years and the boy’s family is responsible for all the expenses of the girl. Breaking this promise is believed to bring bad omen on both parties.